Movies That I Don't Like For Reasons

Bird Box (2018)

This movie dared to asked the question, "What if A Quiet Place sucked?"

I'll start off by pointing out the one good thing, and that's Sandra Bullock's performance. Now that that's out of the way, this movie was sloppily shot and poorly written. It looked like a TV movie (which I guess it sorta was). I could not have cared less about any of the survivors in the house and anytime it flashed back to the survivor house I begged the television to bring me back to the far more interesting river scene.

The monster/alien/demon things didn't feel like they were hiding the monsters' identity as much as it felt like they just didn't bother to create them. I mean they are monsters that make your kill yourself by showing you...stuff, they can't go inside for some reason even though they can clearly move things, and they may or may not pose a threat to you regardless of if your eyes are closed (depending on what the plot demands). Also, lord forgive me, but Olympia was just the worst. She was a complete liability who got a lot of people killed and the movie wanted you to like her SO badly.

It's cool though, it's probably the best out of this list, and we got some good memes from it.

Percy Jackson Movies (2010)

Let me be clear, I do not read books. It is not because I am incapable, it is because I am unable to become capable of keeping my attention focused on reading sentences over a prolonged period of time. There is a difference.

But I read the entire Percy Jackson series as a kid and fell in love with it. When I heard they were making it into a movie I thought I was finally going to be able to stick it to the Harry Potter nerds and be that obnoxious kid who could say the movies were not as good as the books. I guess I should have phrased that wish differently.

These movies were a stain on my memories of movie-going-experiences. In classic Hollywood fashion, they cast 28-year-old actors to be 12-year-old kids. They pretty much threw subplots from later books into the first movie and changed entire character arcs to cram everything together.

Thanks Percy Jackson producers, now I'll NEVER read another book again and it's YOUR fault. My education failures are on YOU.

The Emoji Movie (2017)

This movie had no right to exist. Absolutely no right. The fact that it was made is a crime against humanity and should be tried in a court of law.

I honestly forgot why I watched this, but I think I heard about how bad it was and a friend and I watched it on Netflix to see if it was as bad. I don't remember much after, I think I blacked out. Think I'm being over-dramatic? Tell that to Sir Patrick Stewart voicing a literal piece of shit that makes poop jokes.

This movie is what happens when you make AI bot look at the Facebook messages of 100 5th-graders and write a script from them.

Suicide Squad (2017)

Well DC, this is what happens when you give a team of writers two weeks to write a script. You played yourself. The marketing team deserves all the praise because they really sold this movie to the public. You played us.

This team was supposed to be SEAL team six with bad guys and only a few are not totally ridiculous. Poor Will Smith did his best to carry everyone on his back. Margot Robbie had a great performance, but like, Harley Quinn is a 90-pound girl with a baseball bat - why did the Government think she'd be much of an asset. She'd be a much better villain than the wacky-wavy-inflatable-arm-tube-girl villain who was an Egyptian demon or evil spirit or something.

This movie was so lazily told, they just wrote out next to each character what their name and skills were instead of telling you. But when they did tell you, it would be a guy saying things like, "This is Katara, I'd advise not getting killed by her because her sword traps the souls of it's victims." Oh, thanks for the heads up, broseph.

Grown Ups 2 (2013)

It quivers underneath the might of Grown Ups. A poor excuse of a sequel. Only redeeming part is seeing Shaq play a dancing cop.

Lion King (2019)

The newest addition to the "Cash Cow Series" from Disney. While the other remakes, like Aladdin and Beauty & The Beast, are average and bring some of the same magic from the originals, this movie was a soulless shell of the original masterpiece.

Let's get it out of the way, this is still an ANIMATED movie. On paper, this movie sounded great, but it turns out that real life animals don't actually have facial expressions or portray human emotions. So, IN CONCLUSION, there was no emotion coming from these animals. They have the same face for happy, sad, mad, confused, and annoyed, so I had no idea what they were feeling unless they outright told you. It literally copied every scene from the original, but took out the Disney magic.

Also, if I disappear in the next 48 hours, it will be because of this statement: Beyonce's acting was atrocious, THERE I SAID IT. Time to lock my doors.

Jupiter Ascending (2015)

I am constantly begging Hollywood to give us more original movies that aren't remakes or sequels, and what I got was cruel and unusual punishment in movie form. This movie tip-toes on a razor thin line that separates it from being so bad that it's hilarious.

I swear to god, this is the actual plot: A girl named Jupiter of all names is on her way to donate her eggs to buy a telescope when intergalactic bounty hunters try to attack her on behalf of an ancient alien royal family (who killed the dinosaurs apparently). This alien royal family get their kicks from harvesting planets for their life force and want Jupiter because she's a clone of their dead alien mother and thus is the heir to the galaxy. She is then saved by Channing Tatum playing an albino man-wolf hybrid who wears hoverboots and a guy named Stinger who is a man-bee hybrid (ooo clever). Now, against absolutely no odds, Jupiter must save her family back on Earth who are kidnapped by dinosaur henchmen and save the galaxy from the siblings of the royal alien family who want to marry her even though she's technically a clone of their mother.

And that's only half the movie. Don't believe me? Watch this dumpster fire and tell me that didn't happen.

Fantastic Beasts (The 1st and 2nd ones) (2016)

The Harry Potter movie saga was a worldwide phenomena, then JK Rowling gave us...whatever these were supposed to be. Take out the charming, developed characters, the cool magic, and the eccentric story and replace it with a depressing world built around a magic game of Pokemon.

Oh well, I hear JK Rowling keeps changing character backgrounds anyways, I'll stick to Lord of the Rings I guess.

Avatar (2009)

Remember Avatar? The movie that blew your mind in 4th grade and was the highest grossing movie of all time? Remember? Blue alien people? No?

This movie is so far removed from everyone's memories that I could not tell you what happened or what anyone's name was. All I know is that it's a remake of Dances With Wolves but with aliens.

Look, it's not a bad movie, it's just cliche and I liked Dances With Wolves better. I'm that guy. Respect my decision.