My Top 10 Christmas Movies

It's December, so you know what that means? The second surge of the coronavirus! 'Tis the season of locking yourself in your house and quarantining once again. But this time, it's by the fire while you watch your favorite Christmas movie. Not because it is objectively a good movie, but because the nostalgia of it will take your mind off of this horrible, horrible year.

#10 - A Christmas Story (1983)

First up is the movie that has hard-wired me to point to every single package that has "FRAGILE" on it and say, "Frah-gee-leigh...must be Italian," out loud. Is this movie objectively good? I'm not quite sure anymore. I couldn't care less though, because I can quote this film from beginning to end. What about his distant father who clearly has rage issues? Who cares! What about his mother who is one broken plate away from a nervous breakdown? Nonsense! What about the little brother who is a ball of anxiety being held together by a thousand scarfs? Adorable! If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that the only thing that didn't age well in this movie was the Christmas dinner at the Chinese restaurant. 1980's racism, YIKES!

#9 - The Polar Express (2004)

More like bi-polar express, because this film switches between sweet, intense, and downright frightening faster than you can say, "Hey you! You know what kind of train this is?" Again, I've seen this movie every year since the film came out. It is a little odd at certain points (the puppet scene emotionally scarred me), but it's nonetheless entertaining. Not to mention how visually stunning it is for it's time. You know what's odd though? Tom Hanks was the voice of the conductor and the main boy. Why? Why do that? What is wrong with hiring an actual child to voice the main kid? Did you blow your budget so badly that you couldn't hire a 12-year-old child? I try not to dwell on it too much, because I'd say this film best encapsulates the Christmas spirit I used to feel as a kid. Why is the little bell he rings still one of the most satisfying sounds ever? I'm gonna watch it again and get back to you on that.

#8 - Scrooged (1988)

It's literally just a modern-day retelling of A Christmas Carol but with Bill Murray as a selfish television executive. I like calling it Groundhog Day but during Christmas, just because this movie also has Bill Murray playing a hilarious asshole who sees the error of his ways through a supernatural learning experience. How could you not love this film, it's just the same story we all know and love but with Bill Murray running the show and getting complete creative control. I'm pretty sure he improvised almost all of his lines because he's Bill Murray and he can do whatever he wants.

#7 - How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

A prime example of how much the critics hate it when we have a good time at the movies. The critics were NOT fans of Jim Carrey's Grinch, but I think I can speak for my generation when I say that this is OUR Grinch. Is it slightly disturbing at times? A little. Do the people of Whoville have a reason to be afraid of the Grinch? Absolutely, he's a monster who has a bad case of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and wreaks havoc on the townsfolk because of his mistreatment as a child. Wait...is this...his Joker origin story? If it wasn't for the spirit of Christmas, I could totally see the Grinch snapping completely. It also contains a top 3 Jim Carrey performance, because nobody else could come close to touching his ridiculousness and physical comedy in this.

#6 - Die Hard (1988)

Just because John McClane finds the true meaning of Christmas by shooting European terrorists in the face does not diminish this movie's title as the most badass Christmas movie of all time. This film is a MASTERCLASS in action. Everything about it is perfect. Need an action hero? How about Bruce Willis, the guy who looks like your dad. Need a villain? How about the greatest villain actor of all time, Alan Rickman. Need a cop? How about the guy who has played every overweight cop role of the 80's, Reginald VelJohnson. The amount of one-liners in this film is absurd, absolutely absurd. It's brilliant. But since it takes place during a company Christmas party, it is 100% a Christmas movie. Hans...BUBBY...I'm your white knight.

#5 - Home Alone (1990)

A neglected child, who is forced to live in the attic of his giant house, is forgotten and left alone by his horrible family - resulting in him talking to himself and taking his anger out on two non-violent criminals by trapping them in a sadistic world of torture. But during Christmas! 'Tis the season to Kevin McCallister and his Joker origin story. This isn't a "phase" he goes through either, they made a whole sequel about his terrible family doing it again, and him deciding to torture more criminals...again. He's acquired the taste for violence, he can only go up from here. God save whoever crosses his path when he's older.

#4 - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)

This movie has always hit the closest to home when it comes to being with your entire family during the holidays. Can't live with them, can't live without them. As I get closer and closer towards the end of my overly long transition into adulthood, I begin to relate to Clark more and more. I, too, wish to one day be the envy of the other neighborhood dads and have the best decorated house. I, too, would have a mental breakdown if didn't get the bonus I was counting on to buy myself a pool. However, poor Todd and Margo, because they get shafted by this family's antics and besides being a rude behind their backs, they didn't really do anything wrong. And WHY is the carpet all wet, TODD?! I don't KNOW, Margo.

#3 - Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Out of all of the movies that center around Santa, this is objectively the best one. It's a great all-around film that offers a pretty accurate portrayal of what would happen if Santa actually appeared. Except, in real life, we all know the court system would fail Santa immediately and he'd get sent straight to a mental hospital. That boy would get slapped with trip to the insane asylum and the elves would have to break him out, SEAL Team Six-style...oh shit, that would be a great remake idea.

#2 - Elf (2003)

Elf may be one of the more ridiculous Christmas movies, but I'll be damned if it's not the funniest Christmas movie. The humor in this movie appeals to literally every age group, and it has some of the most memorable scenes of any Christmas movie. My favorite, of course, being the Buddy vs. fake Santa smackdown. I just realized something recently, this film follows that weird trope where an adult who is mentally a child gets laid and suddenly becomes more mature. They did the same thing in Big with Tom Hanks, except he was actually a child. In this movie, Zooey Deschanel sleeps with someone who is mentally still a child. That's weird, right? Besides that and the insane fact that Buddy hasn't died from his sugar-only diet, I couldn't shit on this movie. It's simply delightful.

#1 - It's a Wonderful Life (1946)

The undisputed king of Christmas movies, this film will never not be relevant. If anything, it gets even more relevant everyday. If you're ever feeling down about life in general, watch this movie. I have no jokes to make about it. For all the movies about the spirit of Christmas turning selfish people into good people through giving back, this movie dares to say that it is just as important to love yourself and know that you are loved. Mental health, especially men's mental health, needs more attention nowadays. So watch this movie and then text the homies that you appreciate them. Call your cousin you won't get to see this year because of Covid and tell them you'll miss them. Get plastered off eggnog with the family, argue about politics, and then cuddle up by the fire. Most of all though, know that the grass is always greener on the other side, so focus on being okay with yourself this season.