Review: The VelociPastor

Don't bother arguing over which movie is the greatest of all time, because I've found it.

The VelociPastor. The title of this milestone of cinematic achievement might be too metaphorical for those of you who don't study the art of filmmaking, so I'll break down the plot for you:

A priest named Doug Jones loses his beloved parents in a fiery explosion. The gravity of the loss is displayed in this heart-wrenching scene...

Holy shit, the VFX team went to town on this film. I hear it was by far the most expensive shot in the movie. Who killed them you ask? One of the many mysteries this film leaves you pondering.

Stricken with grief, he does what we all do when we're upset and travels to China where he inherits the ability to turn into a Velociraptor. A fact that he...well...takes in stride...

He meets a prostitute who he accidentally saves while in dinosaur mode. He rejects her because even though he is now a dinosaur superhero, he still believes prostitution is a dealbreaker in his book...

However, she convinces him to use his newfound prehistoric powers to fight crime instead, leading to what may be the greatest high-five ever captured on film....

We then follow Doug and Carol as they fight crime as a dinosaur-prostitute dynamic duo, but there is evil lurking that knows about Doug's condition....

....

.....

NINJAS BABY NINJAS! (One of which has an Australian accent because of reasons)

What happens next cannot be fully comprehended, but must only be experienced first-hand.

I cannot recommend this movie enough, it has heart, comedy, drama, and high-stakes action that puts the Oscars to SHAME. What's more exciting? The entire movie is on YouTube for FREE, so give it a watch if you're a person of culture.

RATING: 11.7/10